It seems to be a long time since I have written something in this blog. Some would say I ran out of inspiration, some would even argue I lost my passion, but in reality I don't write because of inspiration or passion. I remember the words of my college professor in Writing. What he said was something that I would never forget. He told me a lot of things on how I should write, both on technical and creative writing but those words was one that i couldn't fully understand yet it seemed that i can't take it of my mind.
"A writer writes his most beautiful works on his darkest hours.", it was really ironic on how this would work because a writer in his darkest hours? It seemed it would just bring out the darkness in the writer. He would probably write about sadness and stuff that would probably be gloomy, so how would that be beautiful? So with a little help of fate, It would help me understand this words.
This blog started during my darkest hour, when the person i love most left for some reason which really broke me into pieces. I can't handle my emotions during those times. I even wished to be in an accident to end it all. There was nothing really beautiful in what I was thinking or feeling those times. All I thought was "will I ever get through this?", "can I even handle something like this again?", "will I be able to smile again?". I locked myself in the house for most of the time and went out with friends to be cheered up but none really helped me at all. I was still that broken toy for months. I was losing all hope in my life that time, all I thought about was that i still can't give up for my mom. She will see me finish my studies even though she's watching from the heavens. I will not let her down. But this was the moment I needed to talk to someone badly. My mom was gone, I'm not close enough with my other family members, the girl I love left me, my friends aren't really those kind that will get emotional and stuff. so I had no one to open up. This feeling just kept on pouring down on me without a single one getting out. I can't take much more of it. This broken toy would soon explode and would never recover. I was running out of time, but one day a professor asked me where I think I would be 10 years from now. Stumped, 'coz probably I never really think of my future I just said I would be working in a writing firm or something. He asked me then if I had a blog. So that's where I thought why not start one and maybe it would help me get fixed again. So it seems this blog was an idea given to me in college from 2 of my college professors.
And here we are, In my blog where the first 2 months or so have been written in absolute despair so how did it that those entries lack a certain darkness into them? It seems that a writer writing in his darkest hours isn't about what he feels or what his emotions is during those times but how much emotion he has during that time. Being in despair make it easier for a writer to pour his emotion in what he is doing. True enough that is what I have done. I was able to make everything single drop of sadness I had into beautiful words, sentences, phrases, statement, and even poems. Every entry I had was from the heart and not with my mind. I didn't write with my hand but with my heart. Maybe it wasn't even me writing them but instead darkness was. The ironic thing about it all even though I wasn't in my best of times through those times, it didn't show. I was writing beautiful entries. I saw the light in my darkness. I saw only good things around my surroundings. Every experienced I had, I only can write about the good in it. This led me to understand about that quote form my professor that a writer is able to bring the best of his works in those times. Sadness brings more emotion out of a person than what happiness can. When one is happy he tends to keep it thus not allowing it to come out yet when sadness strikes, one what to remove it right away thus making it easier to channel this emotions into other stuff like writing or art.
So the reason why entries had stopped is because I lost that feeling to release my emotions. I can't write something the beautiful everyday anymore because I want to suppress what I'm feeling right now. I want it to stay in me 'coz what I have in my life is beautiful. It may be selfish and all but even though if I was to release it I can't because I don't know how to. If you are reading this, yes, its because of you, you brought be back to this state of happiness where I wouldn't need to put my emotions to words anymore just to continue on living. Now I can pour my emotion into you and let you know how much I love you. I can only smile now when I'm with you.
ainzley
2013
